Barb Wire

Picture this: a Pamela Anderson science fiction double bill on television. I mean, you'd just HAVE to watch it, wouldn't you? Just to see how bad it was.

1995's Naked Souls kept making me look for the "TV Movie" credit that wasn't there. A cheap and exploitative "erotic thriller" where Pammie exposes her left breast within the first three minutes of the movie. Anderson is an artist, specialising in plaster-casting nude women, rubbing mixture over their breasts while they proclaim "it feels kinda sexy". Her boyfriend, decently played by Brian Krause, is studying brain wave patterns and accidentally crosses his own with that of a serial killer. It's all very silly and derivative, also involving a Faustian pact with a mysterious benefactor. What disturbs is that all the victims of the killer are nude women – I mean, who gets into a swimming pool naked? – meaning the film uses sexual violence as titillation. Dean Stockwell, in a minor role, is wasted in stuff like this.

If Anderson's role in the predictable Naked Souls was peripheral (and also completely irrelevant to the plot), then Barb Wire sees her take over the screen. Released the following year, this saw the now Pamela Anderson Lee as the titular character, a Barbarella of the 90s. Of course she can't act – she only manages one expression throughout the whole two hours – but her assured performance is wonderful here. While it's easy to lump both these films together as trash entertainment, Barb Wire is so much more than that. A vibrant, witty and well-directed cartoon for the screen, its constant energy is a delight. What really appeals is in seeing the sheer amount of cinema pastiches the film rigs up. Batman, Never Say Never Again and even The A-Team are all parodied. But most significantly, it shares multiple plot similarities with Casablanca, and I honestly suspect that this was intentional. Or would its 2017 planes really be so old-fashioned? Barb is a neutral bar owner during a war by day (ring a bell?) a vixen for hire by night. The landscape she occupies is an excitingly neon world of legalised prostitution, engineered diseases and sophisticated contact lenses.

Maybe the opening moments – Anderson Lee exposing her bare nipples while water washes over them to a baying crowd – are tacky and unnecessary. The scenes that follow also contain a torture sequence that is not only misguided in its attempt to arouse but also transparent in its purpose for expository dialogue. Yet beyond those first few scenes we have an action movie that contains above-average scripting for the genre, and some fun moments. It's amusing to try and guess whether Pam knew she was being kitsch or whether she genuinely believed she was giving a good performance. But whatever the answer, it still gets a laugh when a rowdy customer finds his genitals in the mouth of her rabid Rottweiler. "Sit", she tells the dog, much to the drunk's displeasure. "Now, you don't want to see her roll over, do you?"

All the criticisms that can be made against this film – that it's badly acted, appallingly scripted, dumb and sexist (even though none of them are 100% true anyway) – can be disputed by the fact that it's SUPPOSED to be badly acted, appallingly scripted, dumb and sexist. This is a film that never pretends to be anything other than a pumped-up, camp and downright silly movie. What's more, it succeeds in being more entertaining and convincing than many of the "straight" versions of the same format, with particular note drawn to it's fight scenes. They may be excessive and lack maturity, but they're shot beautifully and are fun to watch. I'm not a huge fan of action pictures, but I thoroughly enjoyed this one. If you want a film that possesses depth and integrity, then see something else. If you want a lovably stupid movie, with Pamela Anderson sticking out her little finger as she burns rubber on a motorbike, then watch this. Tremendous fun.

I have a weird obsession....to see every film on IMDB's infamous Bottom 100 List. "Barb Wire" is currently #44....and my 94th film on this list! However, after seeing it, I am not sure that it really deserves to be on the list. Sure, Pamela Anderson got the Razzie Award for her performance and it is a dopey film...but unlike most of the films on the list it was never intended to be a good movie. It simply was made as an excuse to dress (and undress) Anderson in very revealing clothes! It's not what anyone would consider a masterpiece, not was it ever intended as one....just a film to show as much of the lady as she was willing to show. And, in places (such as the opening credits) you see a lot.

"Barb Wire" is based on a comic book by Dark Horse, a company known for characters such as The Mask, Hellboy and comics like "Sin City". Again....none of these characters or films were ever intended to be carried by the Criterion Collection nor to be up for Academy Awards!

In this story, Anderson plays the title character, a combination stripper, hooker and assassin. And it's all set in a dystopian and dark world...of the USA in 2017! She strips, turns tricks and leaves bodies where ever she goes! She also, interestingly, sounds like she's doing a Steven Segal impersonation in the film...softly mumbling most of her lines. Bad enough for a Razzie? I wouldn't say so...but it's not like I'm in charge of giving out these infamous awards!

You can probably assume that I thought the film was pretty dumb....and you'd be right. But it's exactly what many folks wanted in 1996...a chance to see Anderson at least semi-naked. It delivers this....along with a dark, silly and not especially enjoyable story.

If you actually JUST want to see Ms. Anderson's body, skip to the special features on the disc and select 'SEXY OUTTAKES'....then you can skip the silly movie entirely and just see what most folks who watch the DVD really want anyway.



By the way, the opening song was "Word Up"....an extremely catchy R&B/hiphop song by Cameo. But, oddly, some other folks perform it...and it's not nearly as good as the original. I wonder why they didn't just pay for the rights to the original....I can't imagine it would have been THAT expensive.

Barb runs a bar and is also a mercenary out for herself in the civil war. However when her ex-boyfriend Axel comes to se her she takes a job helping a scientist get across the country to expose a government cover up. However will she remain a mercenary or will she pick sides?

When people are famous for being naked – that's pretty much what they should stay doing. Do we want porn actresses doing serious Hollywood roles? No – let them stick to what they know. I'm not calling Anderson a porno star but lets be honest, she famous for having great breasts right? So how can we harness this star power? Lets put her in tight clothes in a futuristic remake of Casablanca!

The plot is a sheer rip off and still manages to be poor. It is only an excuse for tight clothes and silly big explosions. As a dumb Saturday night special it still barely cuts it for me, although it is noisy, if that's all you want.....

Anderson isn't an actress – if it wasn't for a good publicity agent and a boob-job, she wouldn't even be offered the roles that Shannon Tweed gets! She doesn't convince as an actress as she can't get above the range required by Baywatch – look scared, look happy, look sad, look determined, oh and poke out your boobs! The rest of the cast have nothing to do and it's a shame to see reliable bit part players like Howard and Xander Berkley appearing in this.

Overall it has some pretty explosions but really this is like a Playboy video – it's all designed for the purpose of capitalising on Anderson's body.......why should we be surprised that it does nothing else.

Pamela Anderson Lee will certainly never be mistaken for a talking pig, especially in the outfits she gets to wear in Barb Wire. Pamela has cascading blonde hair down to there, acres of cleavage and plenty of clingy leather getups cut up to here. If you get distracted and call Ms. Wire the dreaded "B" word, you may find yourself dealing with her nasty-tempered Rottweiler, Camille, a sidekick with bite. This highly anticipated comic-book action/adventure, starring the pinup star of Baywatch, lasted only a short time in theaters before going bust, so to speak. I'm sure the backers couldn't care less, as their investment was made back in advance by tremendous worldwide sales. Barb Wire was sold on the star's face and form long before there was a story concept or anything resembling a script. Good thing, too. Yes, the futuristic plot does bear some parallels to Casablanca, but the family resemblance is strictly skin-deep. Barb is a nightclub owner who helps an old flame, now a freedom fighter, and his wife escape from a corrupt police official and some neo-Nazi types. Of all the gin joints in the world, Axel had to walk into Barb's. Barb has just been hosed down while performing a torrid dance onstage and is feeling, well, charitable. The movie gets off to a pretty good start, with tongue well in cheek, but grows wearisome when it forgets to laugh at itself. The explosions, shoot-outs and chases are eventually numbing. Must say, however, I did love the death-by-spike-heel scene which comes early on. Steve Railsback, as the head meanie, Colonel Pryzer, comes across as Tommy Lee Jones-lite. Ms. Anderson Lee, as Barb the Buxom, is game, however, firing oversized weapons and kicking fanny without mussing her makeup. Too bad they couldn't afford some better wigs for her stunt doubles.

Wow. Now this is not good. However, the movie sets its level right away, by having a stripping, dancing wet Barb (Anderson) already in the introduction of the movie. So, there you have what this movie is all about. Sure you get some violence, explosions and bad costumes as a bonus. Clearly, there is no relevant story in the movie, all revolves around (Barb) to show her off in different ways. The mentioned costumes are almost offending to the audience. Whoever responsible for them clearly did not work very hard. Barb competes with herself to wear some leather-thing that shows off as much as possible, but actually must be considered well dressed as compared to other ladies. The villains wear something that bear a striking resemblance to nazi-uniforms. Well sure, we know who's the bad guys, thank you. And some other people wear broken calculators and other piece of machinery that you'll find in a scrap-heap as hats, and are automatically dressed up like guys from the future. If it was this easy to make a good movie, I could have made it myself. Fortunately it is not, and Barb Wire is not a good movie.

But, and this is a mysterious but, I actually didn't get bored out of my mind and switched off. The movie actually, in some way, had some small piece of entertainment value throughout that made me stay. And that something, whatever it was, is what ultimately saves the movie from being complete junk.

So, if you have absolutely nothing else to do, you may want to watch this one, once. You may get some ideas how to (or not to) dress for the next masquerade.

3/10