Cats

There is a wall in my house. The wall is a simple wall, eight feet tall, and fifteen feet wide, it sits in a corner in the basement. It has been painted beige, with a few coats to cover up the bumps and scratches from coats before. It's got it's idiosyncrasies, the way the light jumps off the paint, the not so even drywalling underneath. Stare at it long enough, and it begins to speak to you - or at least allow you to speak to it. Maybe there's something to the wall - or maybe it's just my romantic illusions of inspiration and contemplation that bring life to it. My point is this - staring at that blank wall for two hours is far more inspiring, interesting and enlightening than watching even just two minutes of the cinematic colonoscopy that is "Cats." A film so awful, so ridiculous and so void of substance its very existence is an affront to musicals, film and theatre. Unless you're a fan of 'so bad it's good' cinema, stay away. This is a watershed moment in bad movie history.

I have been a big fan of "Cats" over the years and I even have the stage soundtrack on my USB stick to play in the car. In 1998 they released a filmed a stage version, masterfully performed, but with cameras set up from various points to get both full, wide shots and very intimate close-up shots. There is no audience applause at all, so it was probably filmed only with the cast and crew present. To me that is the definitive film version, a real "10 of 10" for fans of the musical.

With that as a background I watched this new movie version last night on BluRay from my local library. While it is not nearly as bad as many are rating it (as of today it has 48% votes of "1") I found it to be a bit too cheesy I suppose in an attempt to appeal to a wider audience. Inclusion of such famous personalities as Rebel Wilson and James Corden to play overweight cats in attempts at humor didn't work at all. And Taylor Swift, bless her little heart, just isn't a good enough singer to do the solo number assigned to her character.

So, while much of it was entertaining, and I loved the extended tap-dancing scene along the rail tracks, overall it is just a shadow of the properly done stage musical. The attempts to scale it up to include a broader set of London locations just doesn't work very well.

Surprisingly, Ian McKellen, who isn't known for his singing, is actually very good as Gus the Theater Cat. I like Jennifer Hudson, a gifted singer, but in her attempt "to make it her own" just didn't come over well singing "Memory." Elaine Paige did it on stage so much better and once you have seen and heard that then the other versions just don't compare.

And finally Francesca Hayward, a ballerina, has the role of Victoria, a discarded cat new to the Jellicle Ball and who serves as narrator. She has a couple of songs and while she doesn't have a powerful stage singing voice she actually was better than some of the "personalities" that were added to the cast to help draw viewers.

So, I'm glad I watched it, as a fan of the "Cats" stage musical it was fun to see a somewhat different take on the story, and the extras on the disc are interesting, but overall this is probably a movie that should not have been made.

Sorry to pile on, but in my 55 years I have never walked out of a movie until now. We had high hopes, we love musicals, but good lord, this was awful on every level.

This film is truely a masterpeice in unintentional horror. The effects are so special I'm going to have nightmares for weeks to come. Why they didn't just dress the actors in costumes and makeup I have no idea, either the filmmakers are lazy or someone wanted to push the boundries of visual effects. Cats pushes those effects right off a cliff into the uncanny valley. The design and look is freakin disgusting.

I never saw the stage musical, so I didn't know what I was in for. This movie that has no plot, it's just a bunch of random cats introducing themselves. I tried to enjoy it as a so-bad-it's-good cringefest, but the lack of plot and the terrible effects make it impossible.

If you can't even look at the screen without feeling annoyed & disgusted, it's impossible to enjoy it in anyway.

Thanks Tom Hooper.

Honestly I wish I was joking. Just everything was completely terrible. James Corden was cripplingly awful but that's nothing particularly surprising. Leaving the cinema I'd felt as if my soul had been sucked dry. Avoid at all cost.